DVD Review: Green Lantern (2011)

So I finally got around to seeing the 2011 film version of Green Lantern. The movie was generally panned by critics and audiences alike, but I felt that I owed it to myself to see if it was really that bad.

First, the stuff I liked.

Taika Waititi as Tom Kalmaku was great. I was wondering how or if the film was going to include Hal's best friend "Pieface." OK, Tom was introduced in 1960 when (white) people didn't consider it racist to call the Inuit people "Eskimos" or to refer to an Inuit native as "Pieface." Pie, uh...Tom was originally Hal's aircraft mechanic at Ferris Aircraft and Hal's best friend (on earth) but he got an upgrade to best friend and engineer. In the silver age GL comics, Tom actually chronicled Hal's adventures (that book would be worth a lot of money) not unlike Dr. Watson's role relative to the adventures of Sherlock Holmes. Sometimes, the reader is treated to a GL adventure from Tom's POV.

In the film, Tom is a fun and smart engineer who can readily out think Hal but who still makes for a good "wingman" and reminder of just what an irresponsible jerk Hal can be sometimes.

Peter Sarsgaard in the role of Hector Hammond pre-transformation. He was brilliant, quirky, but likable and approachable. In spite of his intelligence, he was vulnerable and always living in the shadow of his powerful Senator father. If "Daddy Dearest" had just left him alone and kept him out of the investigation into Abin Sur and his spaceship, Hector would have gotten along just fine. It kind of ruinned it when the Parallax fear energy started infecting him, resulting in him murdering his own father (the guy was a douche, but not worth an execution by fire douche) and committing other heinous crimes including turning the earth over to a superpowerful alien (the aforementioned Parallex) for destruction.

Blake Lively as Carol Ferris. I thought she struck the right balance between corporate responsibility and human vulnerability, the heir apparent of the Ferris Aircraft "empire." She could be a little too "dippy" at times, especially for a woman who knows how to handle all of that responsibility, but in the end, she managed to keep her head long enough to save Hal from Parallex's clutches so he could retrieve his ring and save the day.

I was a little disappointed that the writers made her a test pilot and a corporate executive, not because I have anything against women being test pilots, but Carol was always the yang to Hal's yin, the level headed responsible person to Hal's irresponsible adventurer. Putting them both in high performance aircraft and literally making her Hal's wingman crossed the line and disrupted the balance between their characters. Carol and Hal shouldn't be on the same playing field.

I'm glad the movie maintained Hal's family including his brothers and nephew. The silver age GL comics always made a point to show Hal and his brothers together, each one having their own skill sets and all of them being highly competitive as brothers. It humanized Hal for the readers in a way the "only children" heroes of the 1960s (Superman, Batman, Flash, and so on) never did. In real life, most of us have some sort of family.

The scene between Hal and his young nephew Jason was one of the better ones in the film. Hal, the fun, favorite uncle, who screwed up and almost got himself killed, freaking out young Jason, not unlike how Hal felt the day he watched his father die as a test pilot in an experimental jet.

The portrayals of Sinestro (Mark Strong), Tomar-Re (Geoffrey Rush), and Kilowog (Michael Clarke Duncan) were great. Although the dedication and heroism of Sinestro was an especially strong presence in the film (foreshadowing Sinestro's fall from grace later on), Rush's Tomar-Re was my favorite among the "alien" GL's. As a kid, Tomar-Re was my favorite GL after Hal. He was Hal's best friend in the Corps in the silver age comics. Although the DC writers may not have intended it, the friendship between Hal Jordan and Tomar-Re showed that no matter how different, how alien two intelligent, compassionate beings can be, it's the desire to do good and to uphold justice that beings us together. Fitting that their relationship should have started during the early civil rights era.

In the film, Rush lends a calmness and warmth to Tomar-Re's voice. You can trust him. He's a little bemused at Hal pretty much all the time, but it's like a father relating to a young child who knows one day that child will grow to far surpass him. Tomar-Re is the kind of friend (and father figure) who would give a son just the right amount of encouragement and the time it takes for Hal to grow up.

What didn't I like. 

Everything else.

From the first few moments of the film and the opening narration, I could tell I was going to be disappointed. It was like reading a comic book and not a particularly well written one. The opening just screamed at me: "Don't take this film seriously." In relation to the Dark Knight Trilogy and the soon to be released film Man of Steel (the trailers look fabulous), Green Lantern was nothing to write home about.

I think Ryan Reynolds was well cast to play the version of Hal Jordan the writers created, but he wasn't the Hal Jordan. In the original comic books, Hal already had the heart of a warrior and a hero. He had the personality of a policeman, albeit a somewhat rigid one. Right and wrong were polar opposites and in his heart, he always knew the difference, a fact that writer Dennis O'Neal used to good advantage when he and artist Neal Adams created the now legendary story No Evil Shall Escape My Sight (Green Lantern #76 - 1970).

Of course "perfect" heroes, such as DC tended to create in the 1950s and 60s don't make good movie characters because they have no room to grow. But having grown up loving the Hal Jordan Green Lantern and wishing for a really good film version of my favorite DC hero, I just didn't "feel it" watching Reynolds play Hal on the screen.

Frankly, I think the film's approach was all wrong. I'd never have introduced the "outer space" aspects of what it is to be a Green Lantern and certainly wouldn't have introduced the Corps and the Guardians so early in the game.

Hal had virtually no time to come to terms with the ring and the lantern before being whisked away to Oa, and even then, his training was about fifteen minutes long before Hal "quit," took the power ring, and with his tail tucked between his legs, scurried back to earth.

In the early silver age comics, Hal didn't know anything about the Corps. He periodically got "orders" from the lantern about specific "assignments" but he didn't know where they came from or what they meant beyond the immediate mission. I would have liked to have seen Hal trying to deal with the ring and the lantern more on his own first, discovering himself as a hero but only beginning to get a glimpse at the true implications of wielding that kind of power.

The writers could have even introduced a sort of "symbiotic" relationship between Hal and the ring, as if they both had something to give each other, the ring giving Hal power and Hal giving the ring the means to use it for good.

In spite of the fact that Hal was given a virtually overwhelming villain to defeat and the task of protecting the planet earth, I just didn't get any sort of personal angst or anguish...something to really overcome. Sure, Hector Hammond captured Carol and threatened to infect her with the Parallax energy, but I was really hoping Hal would have been able to face something even more personal (or maybe it was just the writing and the performances that didn't convey what I was looking for).

I recall in the issue 34 (1966) Green Lantern story "End of a Gladiator," Hal learned about the ring's "mortality fail safe." An emergency store of energy that's available, even when the ring's energy charge is exhausted, that can save a Green Lantern's life, even when the ring wielder is unconscious. During a battle between GL and one of his foes, Tom is mortally wounded. The villain tricked Green Lantern into thinking he had recently charged his ring, but in fact, it was an illusion and at the height of the battle, Hal's ring runs out of power. On the one hand, Hal is about to be shot. If he does nothing, the ring's emergency reserve will save his life. On the other hand, Tom is seconds from death. Hal does the impossible and orders the ring to use the emergency reserve to save Tom's life. Tom lives, but Hal is shot and presumed dead (a highly unusual set of circumstances results in his being revived).

It's that kind of conflict that would have made the climax of the film. The stakes didn't have to be a world, just the struggle for discovery of how heroic, how courageous, how honest Green Lantern member Hal Jordan could be.

In spite of all the special effects, the best efforts of the actors involved, and the decades of source material to be drawn from, Green Lantern the legendary hero of my childhood never materialized on the screen in 2011. It was just another movie.

With the potential for a DC Universe set of films culminating in one or more JLA movies in the future, I'm hoping for a Green Lantern reboot. Let's do it better next time.

Success is Temporary, Failure is Temporary, Leave Me Alone!

It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash.
-George S. Patton

If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.
-St. Clement of Alexandra

We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

That's a small sampling from a motivational quotes website. Gee. Charming.

We're in a new year. 2011 is supposed to be better and brighter and more wonderful than 2010.

Bullshit.

Oh, I can't say that it won't be in absolute terms. I don't have a crystal ball or any other way to see into the future. But just because it's early January doesn't mean that the New Year is full of promise only because most of the year hasn't happened yet. I mean, with each new year, everyone thinks it's going to be great. But is that how the year turns out?

Just look at last year. Try to remember the beginning of 2010. Obama was President (still is). Pelosi was the Speaker of the House (now she's not). The "progressives" were in charge of everything and we all know that means everything that changes, changes for the better (as defined by a bunch of politicians and myopic optimists). How many people died in Afghanistan and Iraq? How many suicide bombings were there in the Middle East? How many people died in car accidents? How many little kids were diagnosed with cancer? How many people are out of work? Homeless? Sick? Dying?

Yes, I'm grumpy. I'm grumpy because, like Christmas, everyone expects you to feel a certain way, as if it's the only way to feel, just because of a date on a calendar. Also, all these motivational people, sites, and sayings make just tons and tons of assumptions about people. If you aren't actually motivated by their popular drivel, then you're bad or evil or something. After all, these people make money by being motivational, so how dare you fail to be motivated by them. What they really want is to motivate you to give them your money.

How about an example of motivational drivel. Let's take a look at one popular motivational phrase:

Success isn't permanent, and failure isn't fatal.
-Mike Ditka US football player & coach

I'll totally buy the first part. No matter how well you do at something, it doesn't last. Just look at actors and politicians. No matter how good your last movie was, the next one could suck. No matter how many promises you made on the campaign trail that got you elected, your actions once you get in office will not always be popular (look how far Obama has fallen in the "popularity polls").

Failure isn't fatal. Well, that depends. If we're talking about skydiving or bungie cord jumping, then failure can damn well be fatal. If you're Superman, Batman, or Green Lantern and some series of bad guys are always trying to kill you, failure can almost assuredly be fatal.

But most of us don't have life threatening hobbies or happen to be superheroes, so no, failing won't really kill us.

It will just make us feel like we want to be dead.

Your boss always wants you to be successful at work (productive, whatever). Your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, lover, spouse, mutant parasite wants you to always be successful in attending to their wants, needs, and desires. The credit card company wants you to be successful in paying your bills on time. Everybody wants you to be universally successful and will punish you in varying ways and in varying degrees if you fail.

No, it won't kill you, but you'll wish you were dead.

I've noticed that motivational phrases, websites, and people rarely provide practical advice, they just ramble off pie-in-the-sky platitudes. They're like comic book characters. Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman all have perfect bodies. Except for Batman, you never see them dieting or working out to achieve and maintain those bodies. They just have them. Success and failure are fictional illustions that happen on pages of paper covered with ink. While they can be inspirations, they also can point out that, by comparision, our little lives are pretty dull, boring, and our problems, though not on a magnificent scale most of the time, aren't very easy to solve (nor as dramatically solved).

So next time those of you who produce your motivational books and websites get the bright idea to give some advice to the rest of us, come down to earth first. Learn what it feels like to live with chronic depression or some sort of physical disability. Find out what it's like to have few friends, to live on a budget (a small one), to struggle to pay bills, to disappoint your spouse, to be called "a failure".

Success isn't permanent but failure is a label that, once stuck to your back with super glue, hangs on in your reputation and in your emotions for a long, long time.

Bite me, motivational people.

Batteries Not Included

OK, that phrase has been used, but I just got my first look at the new Power Battery design for the upcoming Green Lantern (2011) film thanks to ComicBookMovie.com and I must say I think it sucks. Sure, films aren't obligated to stick very tightly to the original comic book designs and in many cases (such as Batman's costume) they definitely shouldn't. On the other hand, the producers of the Green Lantern film don't seem to mind trying to impose their version of "alien" on the rest of us, as first revealed in the costume design, while rolling way over the top of what seems to look even reasonably heroic.

I've posted the current film version of the battery (upper left) along with the classic version (middle right), plus Kyle Raynor's power battery (bottom). I can understand that the original comic book design probably looks too Terrestrial for a modern film, but I'd have preferred the "alien-ness" of Kyle's battery over what the film designers finally came up with. What do you think?

Who Should Appear in Smallville Season 10?

I suppose I could write a review of the Season 10 opener for Smallville just like everyone else but, face it, I don't want to be like everyone else. I suppose that's why I don't give a rats about Chlois, Clana, ClChloe, ClLex, Cl_whatever. For those of you who need to be emotionally enthralled with who Clark's in bed with, good on you, but it's not why I watch Smallville.

Rather than a review, I'll write about the other topic that Smallville fans are all over (no, not Michael Rosenbaum returning as Lex). I'm talking about what characters I'd like to see appear or return to Smallville.

I watch Smallville because I like the Superman legend and I like what the Smallville writers, producers, and actors have done to tweak the canon. I've been a long time Superman fan (you have no idea how long), so I love seeing references in Smallville that appeared in Superman related comics years or even decades ago. I'm kind of a trivia junkie, so that sort of stuff appeals to me.

So who do I want to appear in Smallville? Keep in mind that my wish list is completely unrealistic and has virtually no hope of being fulfilled for legal, contractual, and a jillion other reasons. I'm just doing this for the fun of it.

Lex Luthor

I figured I'd go with the obvious one first. Yes, I do want Michael Rosenbaum to return to Smallville as Lex. He did a fantastic job over eight years of slowly moving Lex into the dark side of himself. There were times I wanted to kill Lex and other times I was hoping he'd come out on top. He's an interesting and complex "bad guy" and Rosenbaum did a fabulous job in the role. I know he doesn't want to go through the rest of his life shaving his head, but if he comes back for the final season, it would be the icing on the cake.

Lana Lang

Actually, I find Lana kind of whiny and annoying, but I'd love to see "Kryptonite Girl" make a reappearance. I'd also love to know what she's been up to with her super powers lately. Although she's now deadly to Clark, she would come in handy if he were threatened by other Kryptonian baddies. Probably not much help against Darkseid, though.

Hal Jordan

Here's where the lack of realism starts. There's no way WB will bring a young, pre-Green Lantern Hal Jordan into Smallville, but a Hal Jordan/Oliver Queen team-up would so rock!

Bruce Wayne

Again, WB isn't going to bring a pre-Batman Wayne into Smallville. I'm not sure how the timeline would even work since "now", Batman should exist in Gotham City. Totally off the radar, but seeing Clark and Bruce in a "World's Finest" meet would be terrific.

The Justice Society

We know that Carter and Shayera Hall (Hol?) will be showing up with Lois in Egypt in the next Smallville episode, Shield, but what about other Society members? The original Green Lantern was a guy named Alan Scott. If Hal Jordan can't make an appearance, how about Scott's Green Lantern?

Wonder Woman

Actress Lynda Carter (TV's Wonder Woman from the 1970s) appeared on Smallville in 2007 as Moira Sullivan, Chloe's mother, but how about a new, young, smoking hot Wonder Woman or even a Diana, Princess of Paradise Island, fresh in this country and before the (skin tight) costume and invisible plane (she could have the golden lasso)? It would make my night!

The Martian Manhunter

I'd like to see John Jones again. He's a good "wingman" for Clark and well as a wise and pragmatic mentor. If at all possible, I'd love for his powers to return. Something tells me that when Darkseid cuts loose, Clark's going to need all the help he can get.

I've already heard that John Glover will be reprising his role as Lionel Luthor for the very last two episodes of the series. I take it as a foregone conclusion that the Justice League members will be coming back sometime during this season, if for no other reason than to get revenge for Oliver's torture and to rescue Chloe. It looks like Annette O'Toole will be returning as Martha Kent and her real life husband Michael McKean will be returning as Perry White (Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Planet?). Everyone knows that Laura Vandervoort is returning for the 200th episode of Smallville, Supergirl as both Kara (Supergirl) and Linda Lee Danvers.

I think James Masters is returning to Smallville from the 31st century as Brainiac 5, perhaps along with the Legion of Superheroes, and that will be interesting. Can we trust version 5 when versions 1 and 2 were such a tremendous pain?

That was my A list. If a B list shows up in my imagination, I'll let you know. How about you? Is there anyone you want to see come to or come back to Smallville that I missed?

Superhero Role Models, Part I

Today's media superheroes -- including Batman in The Dark Knight and the Hulk in Planet Hulk -- as well as the ''slacker'' characters often portrayed in TV shows and movies offer boys poor role models, says a University of Massachusetts professor who polled hundreds of boys up to age 18 to find out their favorites.

The poll results suggest boys hear two ways to be masculine, says researcher Sharon Lamb, EdD, distinguished professor of mental health at the University of Massachusetts-Boston, who presented the findings Sunday at the American Psychological Association's annual meeting in San Diego.

"One was the superhero image, created as someone who shows their masculinity through power over other people, through exploiting women, showing their wealth, and through sarcasm and superiority," she says.

Superheroes: Bad Role Models for Boys?

Superheroes, in the modern sense, have been around for over 70 years (Superman made his debut in Action Comics in June 1938). Every once in awhile, some expert or authority decides to criticize comic book and movie heroes as bad "role models" for the youth of our country/the world. On the other hand, if they were always good role models, they'd probably be pretty boring and nobody would read their comics or want to make movies about them (the Amazing, Spectacular Dali Lama!).

I thought I'd perform my own analysis because I grew up on comic books and have a love for their classic incarnations. It would be too difficult and time consuming (and my time is precious) to go through all the different permutations the various heroes have endured over the decades, so I'll try to stick as close to their original personas as I can. Remember, nothing's perfect, including heroes and this review.

Superman. I figured I'd start with the superhero. As far as role models go, you'd think he'd be the best. He's basically a boy scout in a cape, paying equal attention to saving the President's plane from crashing and saving a cat stuck up in a tree (citing the 1978 Superman film). He was originally an American role model (..."truth, justice, and the American way"), at least in the 1950s, but political correctness has resulted in expanding his role to be more "universal".

The dark side of this role model is that he isn't that universal. He was created in 1938 to appeal to the likely readership of the day, which were 12 year old white boys. Forget it if you were a girl or a person of color. Even his Jewish origins (Jerome Siegel and Joseph Shuster were both Jewish and modeled Superman on the concept of the Golem, a large, anthropomorphic being who overwhelmed problems with shear might and had the word "truth", in Hebrew, on his forehead) were obliterated to make him attractive to the majority of American kids in the depression era.

Superman does teach that you can have great power and manage it responsibly, never using it for your own gratification (like most of us would do in real life) by peaking through Lana Lang's bra when she's 15 year old (and what high school guy hasn't thought of the advantages of X-ray vision?) or conquering the world just for giggles.

He loves his mother, married his girlfriend, holds down a steady job and regardless of whether he's Superman or Clark, is always someone you can depend upon. On the role model scale, Superman gets an A+.

Iron Man. Originally, in the early 1960s, Tony Stark was a rich, handsome, millionaire playboy who just happened to make weapons for the military. One day, while strolling through Vietnam, he's injured mortally, captured by the bad guys, and in order to escape, has to invent Iron Man, to free himself and save his life...literally. The film version starring Robert Downey Jr, is pretty close to the original as far as origin stories go, except they make Tony much less clean cut, and more of a spoiled brat. The process of becoming Iron Man tempers him and redeems him from his "lost" image, though he doesn't exactly get a personality transplant.

Tony does learn that, dying with the most toys doesn't mean you win and what life really means is saving those people who you hurt, even if you didn't mean to. He's beat (or is in the continual process of beating) alcoholism and repeatedly puts his life on the line, risking a fatal heart attack every time he puts on the Iron Man armor, in order to help others. Joining the Avengers means he's learned to be a team player. Yeah, he's a thrill seeker and it's an emotional power surge just to be Iron Man, but he's a better person than he was before. No, not perfect by a long shot, but with just enough flaws to keep him interesting.

Iron Man comes in on the role model scale as a C+.

Spider-Man. Originally a shy and very smart teenager who could never make it with the cool kids and was always picked on. He got to live out every kid nerd dream by becoming physically powerful enough to pound the bullies, which is more or less what Peter Parker did back in the early 1960s. No, he didn't beat Flash Thompson to a pulp, but he did tell everyone to go take a flying leap into the toilet and, instead of immediately using his powers to become a hero, became a TV star. He probably would have gone on in that direction, having loyalty only to his aunt and uncle, except that his arrogance cost his uncle his life. That's what turned Peter around, but his life is hardly enviable.

Spider-Man is sort of the comic book world's version of a dog's chew toy. He always has one problem or another to overcome, but his shining virtue is, no matter how much he wants to give up on everyone and everything, he hangs in there, probably more for guilt's sake than anything else, but out of great suffering comes great perseverance, to twist a classic phrase.

As a role model, he gets his revenge on being bullied by beating up the bad guys and sending them to jail. OK, ok, he really does love his aunt, has girlfriends, but they either die or divorce him, gets mad at the world half the time, but manages to recover to do the right thing in the end. In some ways, he's the most "human" guy in this review so far. Stan Lee created a number of superheroes back in the day to break the mold of the "perfect person" hero, and it worked. Spider-Man was the poster child of this new hero...the guy the rest of us could relate to. Role model? Maybe not a perfect one, but Peter is a role model we can understand.

Spider-Man gets a B+ on the role model scale.

Last but not least (for this entry) Green Lantern. Hal Jordan was originally one of the most perfect of the perfect heroes. In fact, to get the power ring, you had to be. The qualifications were to be completely honest and completely fearless. That lets him out of being a politician right from the start. If Superman was the boy scout of heroes, Green Lantern was the police officer, but in the best possible sense. As he develops into the 1970s, we discover that Hal's "cop on the beat" take on life also makes him perfectly inflexible and his sense of "right and wrong" is absolute. Oliver Queen (Green Arrow) buddies up with him for awhile to teach him that life has infinite shades of gray.

Actually, you can't blame Hal too much. His bosses, the Guardians of the Galaxy (Universe...whatever) are just as inflexible and Hal has to teach them a few lessons, too.

Reinvented, Hal was a cocky, self-assured test pilot with a chip on his shoulder, put there by his old man who was even more "perfect". In the reinvented version, Hal gets the power ring but also a DUI and has to work off both, one in jail and the other taking humility lessons from master Green Lantern Sinestro, ultimately having to overcome his obsession over himself in order to take on the corrupt "perfect" Sinestro and take his place (eventually) as the galaxy's greatest ring bearer (OK, this side of Frodo).

As far as "super cop" goes, he makes a great role model, but like Superman, his clean cut white guy image made him pretty dated and unrelatable beyond a certain demographic.

These days, he isn't infinitely honest or fearless, but to use the ring, he does have to become the type of hero the ring demands. He's had his dark moments...like becoming Parallax and destroying everything to try and recreate the perfect world (that seems to be a reoccurring theme in his life), but goes through a series of salvational experiences and eventually is the Green Lantern again.

Green Lantern gets a B- on the role model scale, and given the fact that he's killed a lot of people (like the universe), that's generous.

I could go on and on, but this is an analysis that could be taken through a series of blog posts. My ratings are pretty arbitrary, but are superheroes really meant to be role models or are they strictly entertainment? Do kids really try to become like the people they read about in comic books or maybe the comic book heroes are becoming more like us?

Ryan Reynolds is Green Lantern?

Makes me wonder what the Hal Jordan of comic book legend would have to say. Maybe nothing so good.

Super Control Freak

This is probably one of the reasons why people like superheroes and want to be a superhero...control. In The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda chides Luke, "Control! Control! You must learn control!" Luke "feels" the force, but he can't control it to get the desired result. In many ways, we're striving for the same goal: control over our environment and our lives so that we can get the desired result.

Maybe your favorite hero can tell you something about yourself and your goals. Let's look at just a few:

Superman. Except for kryptonite and magic, Superman is vulnerable to very few things. True, he has his limitations, at least as compared to the Silver Age Superman who could move planets through space just by pushing them, but he's still the strongest guy around. Superman is often depicted as a "savior-like" character from another planet come to Earth to save us from ourselves, but I've known people who see him as just an extension of our desire to solve our problems by overwhelming them with force.

If something is in your way, you can just push it out of the way, crash through it, burn through it or fly over it. No need to be subtle. All that power and muscle and a bright blue and red suit can let you do just about anything.

I'm not trying to capture the essense of Superman as such, but the more "obvious" reasons why we want to be like Superman...few things can hurt us and we can knock over just about anything. No worries.

Green Lantern. Like Superman, he's kind of a boy scout. "No evil shall escape my sight". The original GL Corps was a bunch of interstellar police officers assigned by the Guardians to enforce whatever "law" the little blue guys decided to apply to the various space sectors within their jurisdiction. If you're rule bound and want to overcome "lawlessness" with will and a "magic" ring, then GL is the hero for you.

Batman. Definitely not a boy scout, but still has the same idea. Overwhelm lawlessness with force...and be scary doing it. Instead of wearing a bright costume and working by the light of day, if you want to be as dark or darker than whatever you want to control, Batman is your hero. You've got all the money in the world but you're never happy. There's always that secret hurt you nurse inside. Rather than seeking help and getting past the pain, it's the pain that drives you to do amazing and sometimes sinister things. You are probably one of the smartest guys around, but that's twisted, too. As much as you'd like to give up the mantle of the bat, face it...it has you. You'll never give up.

Wonder Woman. This is sort of unfair, since she's really the expression of all the sexual fantasies of all the male artists who've ever drawn her. Bigger than life...bigger than the biggest triple-D cup...a woman who almost would have to be a dominatrix because no ordinary man could "tame" her. She's the woman who guys want to be tied up by, with that golden lasso what makes you tell the truth (about how bad you've been...and how much you need to be punished...and...). Wonder Woman is a guy's desire to be controlled and have a blast doing it. Most women say a bust size like that just gives them backaches.

There are a lot more heroes we could cover, but except for Wonder Woman (no woman really fantasizes about being her, do they?), we can see a pattern. Being a superhero at it's most basic level means having strength to control an externalized "bad guy". In Batman's case, there's a certain amount of control by being smart, but in the end, you still get to beat your opponent to a pulp.

Look at your own life for a second. Chances are, there are some things (or people) over which you'd like to take control. Chances are, there are some things you feel you have no control over at all. A simple example is how you'd really like to respond to the driver who cuts you off during your commute to work. Think of anything that frustrates you in life. How would you like to deal with it if you could? How would you like to deal with it if you had "the power"? Is this one reason we like our superheroes...because they can control things in a way we can only dream of?

Super Cowards

This isn't to put superheroes down, but don't you find it interesting that everyone who just happens to get superpowers turns out to be a hero or a villain? Good guys and bad guys...or gals. What if the person who got powers wasn't particularly courageous. Does getting powers automatically mean you have to do something either good or bad with them? What if you got superpowers?

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "If I got superpowers, I'd become a great superhero." Sure you would. I suppose if you became Superman or Superwoman or something, and your powers meant that nothing could hurt you short of kryptonite (and assuming you were the only superpowered being in the world, which means no serious challengers), it would be easy to have "courage".

You could dive into a burning building, rescue a bunch of people, and not risk getting burned or choking on the smoke. You could stop a bank robbery cold and if someone shot at you, the bullets would just bounce off your chest (sorry about the innocent bystanders who got hit by the ricochets). But what about other, less "perfect" powers?

Say, if you were bitten by a radioactive spider. Sure, Peter (in the origin story) went into entertainment and didn't think a thing about helping other people, until a bad guy he could have stopped but didn't ended up killing his Uncle Ben. If you suddenly had the proportional strength, speed, and climbing ability of a spider, what would you do with it? No, seriously. Not what would you fantasize doing with such powers, but what would you really do?

Would you make a costume and patrol the city by night? Chances are, you don't have the science and engineering skill to make web shooters, so unless you came by web spinning "naturally", as part of the process (like the Spider-Man films), you'd be out of luck there. Would you really dive into a burning building to save some kid, risking burns, smoke inhalation, and even death? Maybe you would. Most people wouldn't.

What if you were hiking alone on some nature trail and you happened to see an alien spaceship crash nearby. If you found a dying alien inside the ship and he gave you a green ring and a lantern to charge it with, then explained what they were and how to use them, would you really become Green Lantern and fight evil and injustice and dance on the ends of the Guardians' strings? Maybe so, maybe not. After all, you didn't ask for the responsibility. You didn't want the job. Why should you risk your neck?

Let's take a look at power rings for a second. You can't just activate one with a casual thought. It takes will power and lots of it. The original Hal Jordan GL had loads of will power but not a lot of imagination. He'd hit bad guys with giant boxing glove, made of green energy. He could fly. He could do anything...as long as he focused all of his will and told the ring what to do. It must have taken a lot of practice.

When Kyle Rayner took up the ring, the rules were different. No more 24 hour time limit on a charge. No more vulnerability to yellow. No requirement to be really honest or brave, which is why Kyle was chosen in the first place, but he grew into being a hero (and good thing he had a lot of imagination). Would that always happen with everyone, or would you toss the ring and the battery in the back of your closet the first time you got your butt kicked? Would you even try to go up against a bad guy or rescue people from a burning building in the first place?

Most people are OK to fly in an airplane, but if you really had the power to fly all by your little lonesome, would it freak you out? If you had spider powers, would jumping off a 50 story high building be even a little scary (this isn't the Matrix jump program...if you splat on the street, you really splat)?

Comic books are unrealistic because people can do impossible things in the comics. We overlook that because it's fun and it's entertaining. However, another piece of the unrealistic we never even think about is that, whenever anyone gets superpowers, no matter who they are or where they're from, they always make the decision, at least eventually, to become a hero or a villain. There's no in between. There's no one who decides it would be too dangerous. There's no one who even considers not making a costume, which always looks OK in comic books but almost always looks ridiculous in real life (put one on, go out in public, and see how people react, if you don't believe me).

One of the reasons superheroes don't exist in the real world is that various natural laws prevent people from getting a spider's natural abilities by being bitten by a radioactive arachnid. As far as we know, no aliens have visited our planet, especially ones with magic green rings to give away to the casual passerby. As far as we know, no alien from another planet has grown up on Earth and gets incredible superpowers just by working on his tan.

Another reason why there are no superheroes is, even if we severely bend the laws of physical reality, no one, or almost no one, who got superpowers would really do what we see people in comic books do...decide they have a moral responsibility to the rest of humanity to use those powers to help. I guess we'll never know if I'm right or not but consider one more point.

We do have heroes. A hero is someone without special powers who dives into a freezing river to help a Dad pull a kid out of a car that drove off the side of the road a minute ago. A hero is a firefighter who runs into a burning building, risking getting burned, choking on smoke, and even killed, to pull out someone who would otherwise die. A hero is someone who joins a group of passengers on a hijacked aircraft to stop the hijackers from crashing the plane into a populated area, dying in the attempt. These heroes are ordinary people. These heroes are your neighbors, co-workers, family, and friends. One of these heroes could even be you. What made them heroes wasn't any special power. What made them heroes was that, when the circumstances called for it, they put whatever fears they may have had aside and made a decision to make a difference.

I could be wrong. Maybe getting superpowers would be like one of those circumstances, but the situation wouldn't be comic book nice and neat. Your life and the people whose lives are in danger aren't just two-dimensional characters on the printed page. They're real. You're real. Powers or not, you may face a situation where you have to decide if you can make a difference. Your name won't be Clark Kent or Diana Prince. They're just examples of what the best of us could be. We're the real life expressions of who we are and the hero we could possibly become.

What if you got superpowers? You probably never will. But that doesn't mean you won't ever have a chance to be a hero. When your chance comes, what will you do?