Monday, December 20, 2010

Casting Superman: The Man of Steel

I took a look at Scott's (derfel85) fantasy casting list for the upcoming Superman film and my inner evil twin came out laughing. Oh boy! I could really have some fun with this one. OK, why not?

Here we go. Remember, this is not just tongue-in-cheek, but tongue-straight-down-your-throat bizarre. Well, I hope it's bizarre. Let me know if I didn't go far enough after you read this. I promise I'll try harder next time.

Superman: Anybody but Tom Welling. I know, I'm evil. Sue me.

Lois Lane: Oh my! Choices, choices. There are so many good leading ladies out there. A lot depends on how old Clark is supposed to be in the upcoming film. How about adding some spice to the deal and making Lois older for a change? I'm thinking Courteney Cox is a natural for a "cougar" role if we cast a 20 something as Superman...and at age 33 (34 next April), Welling is already too old to pull it off.

Jimmy (Jimmie) Olsen: Lindsey Lohan. Hey, who says Jimmy/Jimmie has to be a guy? Are you sexist or what?

She started out life as a natural redhead so if she can ditch the cheap bleach-blond "do", it would work. Lohan's career, not to mention her life, has been in the crapper so long, she probably feels like she's taken up permanent residence in the Los Angeles sewer system. She needs something big to get her movie career back on track and while the role of Jimmy/Jimmie isn't stellar, it's attached to a project so big that she has to be noticed. She can either pull a Robert Downey Jr. redemption out of her butt, or completely flush the rest of her life into the cesspool.

Perry White: Robert De Niro. He's played psychos, tough guys, and goofy ex-CIA agents so portraying a hard-boiled old school newspaper editor should be a breeze for him. Besides, Little Fockers is going to be so bad, that he'll need something to help pick him up off the floor after that one crashes.

Lana Lang: Christina Hendricks, who else? She's also a natural (as far as I know) redhead and she's got everything up front to grab and hold a man's attention. The only problem would be that Clark wouldn't be able to take his X-ray vision off of her D cups long enough to even notice that Lois is alive (and since Lois needs saving on a daily basis, I figure that ends her career and her life within the first 10 minutes of the film.

Jonathan and Martha Kent: I've always wanted to see Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis team up again after watching True Lies (1994). They're about the right age (OK, they're older than about the right age) and they had fabulous chemistry together. We'll just ignore Schwarzenegger's accent like we always do in films where it is an absolute bad fit. Arnie's out of a job now that he's no longer the Governor of California so I bet he'd jump at the chance to play a Kansas farmer and adopted Dad to the most powerful man on earth. As far as Jamie Lee Curtis goes, I bet she's a really cool Mom, having done everything from Halloween to Freaky Friday (speaking of Lindsey Lohan).

Jor-El: That's a tough one. I would never have picked Marlon Brando for the role in the 1977 Superman film. I can't separate him from his roles as a dumb pug in "A Streetcar Named Desire" (1951) and "On the Waterfront" (1954) (although a comparison between "The Godfather" and Jor-El is obvious). How about Anthony Hopkins? Fresh from his role as (another) super powerful "Big Daddy" Odin in Thor (2011), I'm sure he'd be up for a substantially similar part. Besides, there isn't a role in existence that Hopkins couldn't eat with a spoon. Playing Jor-El wouldn't even make him work up a sweat.

Lex Luthor: Bruce Willis. Hey, don't laugh. OK, go ahead and laugh. He's the first bald guy that popped into my head, but what the heck, why not? At least he'd add a little muscle to Lex. The movies always pick someone less than "physical".

Brainiac: Depending on how you want to play him, I'm thinking total CGI. He is an alien cyborg or computer, depending on who you listen to. But what about the voice? Call me nostalgic, but why not Mark Hamill? Hamill was incredible as the voice of the Joker in the Batman animated series in the 90s. I'm sure he could use the work and who knows...maybe he can get Brainiac to make us laugh.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Who Killed Santa Claus?

I don't like Christmas. I don't care if you think it was the birthday of the Son of God (historically, it couldn't be), it still sucks. First there are the crowds, and then the traffic, and then the crass commercialism, and families going into debt up to their eyes to afford the latest crap on sale they think they need to give as gifts.

The really sucky part about Christmas is the assumption that it's the happiest time of the year. First of all (depending on where you live) it's cold. Where I live, it's cold and snowy (I don't like snow...bad for driving and walking), and cloudy, and foggy, and actual sunshine is on the endangered species list (darn Persephone for marrying Pluto anyway). If you are at all a moody person (I am), then having people around you expecting you to be happy and cheerful just because of the date on a calendar is even more depressing.

The image I posted at the top of this blogpost comes from several blogs, such as this one, supposedly attempting to "take back Christmas" from commercialism and return it to the birth of Christ. Of course if you are not only sick to death of commercialism but don't subscribe to the typical Christian view of the holiday, that's not exactly an improvement.

Consider this my "bah, humbug" article in defense of everyone who can't wait for January 2nd when we can legitimately tell our neighbors to take the f*cking Christmas lights off their house and save a couple of hundred dollars a day in electricity. I'm surprised we don't have Christmas blackouts because of the conspicuous power consumption.

No, I don't hate people (I'm only a little misanthropic sometimes) so if you like or even love Christmas, more power to you. Just don't expect or demand that people like me have a good time in December. I'm waiting for January or better yet, spring.

Bah, humbug!

Oh. Who killed Santa Claus. Don't look at me. You can't prove a thing. Honest. I buried the gun...uh, I mean...

Addendum: Holy crap! Photographic proof! This is who killed Santa! Found at this site.