Thursday, April 29, 2010

I am more

In the 2005 film Batman Begins Bruce Wayne, caught by his would be love interest Rachel Dawes on a night of debauchery with a couple of "European swimmers" (if you've seen the film, you know what I'm talking about), tries to explain to her that:

This isn't all I am. I am...more.

Her response becomes the code phrase that lets him tell her (as Batman) who he really is later in the story.

I'm also more than this, but this is becoming a more insistent part of my personality. This is the part of my personality who is depressed about life, misanthropic, agoraphobic, and generally wants to wad up the world and throw it in the toilet. Frankly, I think I'm just about too late. The world is already in the gutter and being swept in the flood of blood and pain toward the open grating leading to the sewer.

I am more than this, but I don't always want to be. I need a place to retreat from trying to be better than I am. This is it. Maybe I'm just hoping that I am more, and this is just a part of me who emerges when I feel particularly beaten down, ignored, discounted, and feeling like crap. I hope that's all this is. My fear is that this is who I am at the core and ultimately, this is all that is left of me after you strip away the veneer of civilization, political correctness, and everything else the world expects of me.

In Batman Begins, near the end of the film, Rachel refers to Bruce's face as his mask. The Bat mask becomes his face, "the one the criminals now fear." In the film (and comic book version of) Watchmen, the character Rorschach refers to his rather unique mask as his "face". There's a blurring of identities both characters endure as a result of the paths they've chosen, or the paths fate chose for them.

Is this a path I've chosen, or does fate or God control what happens next? Am I more, or am I only what you see? Who am I, the mask or the face?


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