Why So Panicky?

By now, anyone who gives a rat's arse knows that British actor Henry Cavill has been cast in the role of Clark Kent/Superman in the upcoming film Superman: Man of Steel (2012). Yesterday morning, I woke up to twitter ablaze with this news and many of the Superman and Smallville fans were more than alarmed...they were enraged.

Why?

Well, first off, a significant number of the fan base, at least those I'm aware of via twitter, are either Tom Welling or Brandon Routh supporters and would rather have seen one of those gentlemen wearing the big red cape. The Smallville fans (at least the rabid ones) are having a very difficult time letting go of the series, which ends this coming May, as well as the vision that Tom Welling is the "only" Superman (and Erica Durance as the "only" Lois Lane).

History lesson.

The very first Superman ever to grace the silver screen was a former ballet dancer named Kirk Alyn in the 1940s. Even then, he didn't star in a single full-length motion picture. Back in the day, when you went to see a movie, there were things called cartoons, news reels, and those wonderful serials. A serial was sort of like a television series ...a set of short episodes describing a continuing story that cycled once per week. If you wanted to keep up with the story, you had to go to the theater every week to see what happened next. Often, each serial episode ended in what's called a "cliffhanger", which could be literal but otherwise meant that the hero or the "damsel in distress" was caught in some sort of trap or situation that looked like certain death. It was part of the hook to keep the fans coming back for more and to see how the hero or the damsel escaped (which they always did).

For those into trivia, Noel Neill, who later played Lois in the 1950's Superman series opposite George Reeves (I'm getting to that) also played Lois to Alyn's Clark Kent/Superman. If you want to think of the "first Superman" in motion pictures, it was Kirk Alyn.

Television's first Superman was George Reeves. For people in their 50s and 60s today, Reeves is Superman, or at least the nostalgic Superman of their childhood. Like the Kirk Alyn serials before it, the Adventures of Superman was filmed on a very tight budget with the characters often wearing the same outfits over and over, episode after episode, and making liberal use of stock film footage and repeated scenes (for instance, the same scene was used in most episodes showing Clark dashing into the Daily Planet's storage room while taking off this glasses and then leaping out the window as Superman).

The next time we see Superman, he is portrayed by Christopher Reeve (no relation to Reeves) in Superman: The Movie (1978). Even for younger audiences today, Reeve is their Superman. Nostalgia makes this, and the three film sequels seem better than they were, but Reeve remains a favorite among the fans and has a warm place in many hearts. Even in real life, his memory remains that of a true hero.

Dean Cain was the next television Man of Steel in the 1990s in the program Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. I rented the first season on DVD, but it was so horrible, I returned it without watching all of the episodes.

2001, the beginning of the 21st century, saw the rise of an intriguing reboot of the Superman legend. Tom Welling became the new Clark in Smallville. Smallville departed significantly from the accepted canon and, for the most part, did a good job at reinventing the legend before Clark becomes a legend. Unfortunately, a show that probably should have lasted only seven seasons, tried to stretch its life expectancy to ten with disappointing results. Nevertheless, Tom Welling is the (pre) Superman for many people in their 20s and 30s today. Hence the angst at Welling not being cast as Superman in the upcoming Man of Steel film.

Superman Returns (2006) is the most recent film version of the Last Son of Krypton, as played in a rather lackluster manner by Brandon Routh. I've seen this film exactly once and, when I tried to watch it again, I just couldn't get past all of the scenes where Superman is stalking Lois and her lover Richard White (James Marsten). It was just so amazingly boring (though I liked the Superman saves the plane sequence in at the start of the film).

So here we are. How many Supermen have there been? Did you count?

1. Kirk Alyn (1940s)


2. George Reeves (1950s)


3. Christopher Reeve (1970s)


4. Dean Cain (1990s)


5. Tom Welling (2000s)


6. Brandon Routh (2006)

Six Supermen, and each and every one of them was beloved by the fans of their generation.

And now comes Henry Cavill as Superman number seven; the Superman of 2012 and beyond. Each actor who's played the role has had their day in the sun and each one has eventually passed the torch to the next generation. For 70 years, Superman has appeared in one form or the other in motion pictures and television. He also had a radio show in the 1940s and has appeared in various animated cartoons, stage plays, and musicals. The comic book version of Superman has changed a number of times since his inception in 1938 (and if you've ever had the chance to read any golden age Superman comics, the comparision to the current version is rather striking).

Do not panic. Bitch and whine if you will because your idea of Superman isn't presupposed by Henry Cavill, but try to hang onto the fact that this has all happened before...many times. Cavill is simply the latest in a line of "Supermen" that stretches back seven decades. If you don't think you can let go of Reeve, Welling, or Routh, don't worry. If Henry Cavill isn't going to be "your" Superman, he'll be the Superman of the generation that's coming up after you.

Up, up and away.

Now, who should be cast in the film as Lois Lane?

Lois and Lana to the Death!

I've been trying to figure out if the Smallville writers are going to try and bring Lana (Kristin Kreuk) Lang back for the final season. It would be a bit challenging, since being "Kryptonite Girl" makes her an automatic threat to Clark's life. In fact, it would have made more sense for her to show up toward the end of Season 9 when Zod and his Kandoran crew were being such a pain in the ass. She'd have made short work of the lot of them, just by hanging around.

But enough of logic.

I have a vision. It's a crazy vision (most of them are), but it's compelling and I thing it would be pleasing to the fans, even the "Clois contingent".

Remember, young Lex-clone is growing up fast. With or without Michael Rosenbaum, Lex is bound to make a comeback before the final curtain falls on Season 10. We also know that Lex has a strong tendency for little known, sneaky contingency plans.

And remember, for all intents and purposes, Lex "made" Kryptonite Girl.

What if some implant or biochemical process or something enables Lex, at the right time, to take control of Lana? Lex originally created the process to make himself both superpowerful and kryptonite laden, so he could defeat Clark. Controlling Lana would be the next best thing.

If Clark were to get a message from Lana saying she was in trouble and needed to see him, devotion to Lois aside, Mr. Super-loyal boy scout would run to her side in a "flash", just for old time's sake.

Except it's a trap (Clark always falls for traps when a little peek ahead with X-ray vision and a little advanced listening with superhearing would have saved him a world of hurt). Lana catches him in a room and gives him a big bear hug before he can escape. She's more or less as fast and as strong as Clark, so she could hold on to him long enough for his powers...and his life, to drain away.

Whatever could save our boy so he could live long enough to don the big, red cape?

Why, Lois of course.

She'd have to find some advanced Army Exo-skeleton or Tess would have to turn her on to some other secret Luthor powered armor project, but whatever it was and where ever it came from, Lois puts it on and speeds to Clark's rescue.

From here, a battle royal ensues between two super powerful females, both of whom, Clark as "known Biblically". This is a fact that Lana could bring to Lois's attention, just to make her feel insecure, and hoping a moment's hesitation would turn the tide of the fight.

While the episode was airing, CW could conduct a thumbs up poll between Clois and Clana fans, with each group cheering for their favorite super-femme. Smallville could shoot two different endings, one where Lana wins by creaming Lois and finishing off Clark, and one where Lois polishes off Lana, then goes off and cleans Lex's cloned clock.

Who would win? The suspense would be terrible. The show's ending would be totally up to the fans!

OK, that won't work. If the Clana fans won, the show would be over before Season 10 ended and, after all, we all know Clark is supposed to end up being Superman by the final reel.

A more "realistic" (and I can't believe I'm using that word and "Smallville" in the same breath) ending for the episode is that Lois really smacks Lana a good one and disengages whatever control Lex-clone has over her.

Realizing the horrible thing she was about to do, Lana runs off to find and kill Lex, but naturally, he'll have planned an escape just for such a circumstance.

Just imagine though, how the Clois vs. Clana fans would love seeing the two of them duke it out, going toe to toe, nail to nail, dominatrix whip to dominatrix whip...but I digress.

How about an email campaign to the Smallville writers making this a "strong suggestion"?

No? Oh well. Still time enough to make it into a Smallville feature motion picture then.

Oh, and I couldn't find any really appropriate "super-powered" Lois and Lana images on the web, so I settled for a couple of other "interesting" poses by Kristin Kreuk and Erica Durance. Enjoy

Success is Temporary, Failure is Temporary, Leave Me Alone!

It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash.
-George S. Patton

If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.
-St. Clement of Alexandra

We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

That's a small sampling from a motivational quotes website. Gee. Charming.

We're in a new year. 2011 is supposed to be better and brighter and more wonderful than 2010.

Bullshit.

Oh, I can't say that it won't be in absolute terms. I don't have a crystal ball or any other way to see into the future. But just because it's early January doesn't mean that the New Year is full of promise only because most of the year hasn't happened yet. I mean, with each new year, everyone thinks it's going to be great. But is that how the year turns out?

Just look at last year. Try to remember the beginning of 2010. Obama was President (still is). Pelosi was the Speaker of the House (now she's not). The "progressives" were in charge of everything and we all know that means everything that changes, changes for the better (as defined by a bunch of politicians and myopic optimists). How many people died in Afghanistan and Iraq? How many suicide bombings were there in the Middle East? How many people died in car accidents? How many little kids were diagnosed with cancer? How many people are out of work? Homeless? Sick? Dying?

Yes, I'm grumpy. I'm grumpy because, like Christmas, everyone expects you to feel a certain way, as if it's the only way to feel, just because of a date on a calendar. Also, all these motivational people, sites, and sayings make just tons and tons of assumptions about people. If you aren't actually motivated by their popular drivel, then you're bad or evil or something. After all, these people make money by being motivational, so how dare you fail to be motivated by them. What they really want is to motivate you to give them your money.

How about an example of motivational drivel. Let's take a look at one popular motivational phrase:

Success isn't permanent, and failure isn't fatal.
-Mike Ditka US football player & coach

I'll totally buy the first part. No matter how well you do at something, it doesn't last. Just look at actors and politicians. No matter how good your last movie was, the next one could suck. No matter how many promises you made on the campaign trail that got you elected, your actions once you get in office will not always be popular (look how far Obama has fallen in the "popularity polls").

Failure isn't fatal. Well, that depends. If we're talking about skydiving or bungie cord jumping, then failure can damn well be fatal. If you're Superman, Batman, or Green Lantern and some series of bad guys are always trying to kill you, failure can almost assuredly be fatal.

But most of us don't have life threatening hobbies or happen to be superheroes, so no, failing won't really kill us.

It will just make us feel like we want to be dead.

Your boss always wants you to be successful at work (productive, whatever). Your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, lover, spouse, mutant parasite wants you to always be successful in attending to their wants, needs, and desires. The credit card company wants you to be successful in paying your bills on time. Everybody wants you to be universally successful and will punish you in varying ways and in varying degrees if you fail.

No, it won't kill you, but you'll wish you were dead.

I've noticed that motivational phrases, websites, and people rarely provide practical advice, they just ramble off pie-in-the-sky platitudes. They're like comic book characters. Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman all have perfect bodies. Except for Batman, you never see them dieting or working out to achieve and maintain those bodies. They just have them. Success and failure are fictional illustions that happen on pages of paper covered with ink. While they can be inspirations, they also can point out that, by comparision, our little lives are pretty dull, boring, and our problems, though not on a magnificent scale most of the time, aren't very easy to solve (nor as dramatically solved).

So next time those of you who produce your motivational books and websites get the bright idea to give some advice to the rest of us, come down to earth first. Learn what it feels like to live with chronic depression or some sort of physical disability. Find out what it's like to have few friends, to live on a budget (a small one), to struggle to pay bills, to disappoint your spouse, to be called "a failure".

Success isn't permanent but failure is a label that, once stuck to your back with super glue, hangs on in your reputation and in your emotions for a long, long time.

Bite me, motivational people.

Casting Superman: The Man of Steel

I took a look at Scott's (derfel85) fantasy casting list for the upcoming Superman film and my inner evil twin came out laughing. Oh boy! I could really have some fun with this one. OK, why not?

Here we go. Remember, this is not just tongue-in-cheek, but tongue-straight-down-your-throat bizarre. Well, I hope it's bizarre. Let me know if I didn't go far enough after you read this. I promise I'll try harder next time.

Superman: Anybody but Tom Welling. I know, I'm evil. Sue me.

Lois Lane: Oh my! Choices, choices. There are so many good leading ladies out there. A lot depends on how old Clark is supposed to be in the upcoming film. How about adding some spice to the deal and making Lois older for a change? I'm thinking Courteney Cox is a natural for a "cougar" role if we cast a 20 something as Superman...and at age 33 (34 next April), Welling is already too old to pull it off.

Jimmy (Jimmie) Olsen: Lindsey Lohan. Hey, who says Jimmy/Jimmie has to be a guy? Are you sexist or what?

She started out life as a natural redhead so if she can ditch the cheap bleach-blond "do", it would work. Lohan's career, not to mention her life, has been in the crapper so long, she probably feels like she's taken up permanent residence in the Los Angeles sewer system. She needs something big to get her movie career back on track and while the role of Jimmy/Jimmie isn't stellar, it's attached to a project so big that she has to be noticed. She can either pull a Robert Downey Jr. redemption out of her butt, or completely flush the rest of her life into the cesspool.

Perry White: Robert De Niro. He's played psychos, tough guys, and goofy ex-CIA agents so portraying a hard-boiled old school newspaper editor should be a breeze for him. Besides, Little Fockers is going to be so bad, that he'll need something to help pick him up off the floor after that one crashes.

Lana Lang: Christina Hendricks, who else? She's also a natural (as far as I know) redhead and she's got everything up front to grab and hold a man's attention. The only problem would be that Clark wouldn't be able to take his X-ray vision off of her D cups long enough to even notice that Lois is alive (and since Lois needs saving on a daily basis, I figure that ends her career and her life within the first 10 minutes of the film.

Jonathan and Martha Kent: I've always wanted to see Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis team up again after watching True Lies (1994). They're about the right age (OK, they're older than about the right age) and they had fabulous chemistry together. We'll just ignore Schwarzenegger's accent like we always do in films where it is an absolute bad fit. Arnie's out of a job now that he's no longer the Governor of California so I bet he'd jump at the chance to play a Kansas farmer and adopted Dad to the most powerful man on earth. As far as Jamie Lee Curtis goes, I bet she's a really cool Mom, having done everything from Halloween to Freaky Friday (speaking of Lindsey Lohan).

Jor-El: That's a tough one. I would never have picked Marlon Brando for the role in the 1977 Superman film. I can't separate him from his roles as a dumb pug in "A Streetcar Named Desire" (1951) and "On the Waterfront" (1954) (although a comparison between "The Godfather" and Jor-El is obvious). How about Anthony Hopkins? Fresh from his role as (another) super powerful "Big Daddy" Odin in Thor (2011), I'm sure he'd be up for a substantially similar part. Besides, there isn't a role in existence that Hopkins couldn't eat with a spoon. Playing Jor-El wouldn't even make him work up a sweat.

Lex Luthor: Bruce Willis. Hey, don't laugh. OK, go ahead and laugh. He's the first bald guy that popped into my head, but what the heck, why not? At least he'd add a little muscle to Lex. The movies always pick someone less than "physical".

Brainiac: Depending on how you want to play him, I'm thinking total CGI. He is an alien cyborg or computer, depending on who you listen to. But what about the voice? Call me nostalgic, but why not Mark Hamill? Hamill was incredible as the voice of the Joker in the Batman animated series in the 90s. I'm sure he could use the work and who knows...maybe he can get Brainiac to make us laugh.

Who Killed Santa Claus?

I don't like Christmas. I don't care if you think it was the birthday of the Son of God (historically, it couldn't be), it still sucks. First there are the crowds, and then the traffic, and then the crass commercialism, and families going into debt up to their eyes to afford the latest crap on sale they think they need to give as gifts.

The really sucky part about Christmas is the assumption that it's the happiest time of the year. First of all (depending on where you live) it's cold. Where I live, it's cold and snowy (I don't like snow...bad for driving and walking), and cloudy, and foggy, and actual sunshine is on the endangered species list (darn Persephone for marrying Pluto anyway). If you are at all a moody person (I am), then having people around you expecting you to be happy and cheerful just because of the date on a calendar is even more depressing.

The image I posted at the top of this blogpost comes from several blogs, such as this one, supposedly attempting to "take back Christmas" from commercialism and return it to the birth of Christ. Of course if you are not only sick to death of commercialism but don't subscribe to the typical Christian view of the holiday, that's not exactly an improvement.

Consider this my "bah, humbug" article in defense of everyone who can't wait for January 2nd when we can legitimately tell our neighbors to take the f*cking Christmas lights off their house and save a couple of hundred dollars a day in electricity. I'm surprised we don't have Christmas blackouts because of the conspicuous power consumption.

No, I don't hate people (I'm only a little misanthropic sometimes) so if you like or even love Christmas, more power to you. Just don't expect or demand that people like me have a good time in December. I'm waiting for January or better yet, spring.

Bah, humbug!

Oh. Who killed Santa Claus. Don't look at me. You can't prove a thing. Honest. I buried the gun...uh, I mean...

Addendum: Holy crap! Photographic proof! This is who killed Santa! Found at this site.

Death Waits

Yeah, I get dark and moody sometimes, probably more often than my tweets and my blogging would suggest. Sometimes I consider all of the difficulties of living my life, the difficulties other people have living their lives, and the general course of world events (and "progressives" seem to think things are getting better and better all the time). There is one thing I take comfort in, though. Death.

I found myself thinking of how we personify death; that is, how we turn death into a person or a character in a story. I did a Google image search on "death" and came up with a complete mixed bag of graphics. Then I searched for "death personified" and among the results, came a scene from one of my favorite movies: The Seventh Seal (1957) directed by Ingmar Bergman. The summary of the film from imdb.com follows:

A Knight and his squire are home from the crusades. Black Death is sweeping their country. As they approach home, Death appears to the knight and tells him it is his time. The knight challenges Death to a chess game for his life. The Knight and Death play as the cultural turmoil envelopes the people around them as they try, in different ways, to deal with the upheaval the plague has caused.

The classic scene from the film is the knight (portrayed by Max von Sydow) playing chess with death, literally with the knight's life hanging in the balance. Throughout the film, the knight sees the devastating effects of the plague on the people of his country and how terribly they're suffering. By the end of the film, the knight loses (of course) his chess game and he, along with the other people he's met on his journey, are claimed by death and find a complete release from their suffering. The final scene of the film shows everyone dancing and following death to...where ever one goes at that point.

The same personification is approached from the opposite direction in Death Takes a Holiday (1934). This film has been remade a number of times, but the summary of the original goes like this:

Death decides to take a holiday from his usual business to see what it is like to be a mortal. Posing as Prince Sirki, he spends 3 days with Duke Lambert and his guests at his dukal estate. Several of the women are attracted to the mysterious prince, but shy away from him when they sense his true nature. But Grazia, the beautiful young woman whom the Duke thought was to marry his son, loves him even when she knows who he is.

The problem is, while death, in the guise of Prince Sirki (and played by Fredric March) studies the "human condition", largely through his affair with Grazia, no one can die. People suffer horribly. Diseases, wounds, and injuries that would normally kill a person only result in those people existing in unending agony, unable to find release from their torment in death. Ultimately, others see him for who he really is and beg him to return to his duties. Reluctantly, the identity of Prince Sirki is surrendered and death once again roams the earth, giving final comfort and peace.

In both of these films, death isn't something to be feared but rather, a comforting companion to cause all pain to end once a person's body is too old, too sick, or in too much pain to endure. Of course, if we're enjoying life, we usually prefer that death not pay us a visit any time soon, but then again, we don't always have much of a choice in the matter.

It seems most of the time, death is depicted as a man, but why couldn't death be a woman? In older Thor comic books, death was a female character. The folks at Marvel adapted the norse myth of Hel (Hela), the goddess of death. According to comicvine.com:

Hela is the daughter of Loki and the giantess Angrboda. When Hela came of age, she was appointed Ruler and Goddess of the northernmost kingdom of the dead, allowing her to rule in the realms of Hel and Niffleheim. Although her dominion was only over those who did not die as heroes, as Odin was the ruler of these in Valhalla. Still, Hela often sought to expand her kingdom by conquering Valhalla as well which often brought Hela into direct conflict with both Odin and his son Thor. On one occasion, Hela attempted to persuade Thor into entering Valhalla when he was on the verge of death, although he eventually refused. Hela also entered into an uneasy alliance with the other Death Gods of Earth.

A vaguely similar comic book character is Lady Death who, depending on the version, is an outright villain, a mortal woman transformed to a supernatural being by a spell and destined to fight and overthrow Lucifer, or a somewhat more noble character, also under a spell and who battles darkness in a medieval-like world (one where she's not always in a bikini).

None of those images are my ideal female "death", and I imagine a personified death to be a supernatural and final lover; someone who embraces you, not in lust, but in intimacy (and what's more intimate than death) in your final hour. I suppose we all want death to appear in a pleasing shape, but the fact that we personify death at all means we want it on our terms.

Death isn't something we can have our way. It's not a person or a force...it just is...and it waits...for everyone.

Afterword: I realized after I published this blog post that, if I could pick any actress to play death in a film, it would be Angelina Jolie. Ironic that her now husband Brad Pitt played death in the movie Meet Joe Black. Jolie would have done a much better job and have brought the true "presence" of death to the screen.